Alternative Sports

Getting paid the big bucks in professional sports is the ultimate. It means you are playing in front of big crowds paying hundreds of dollars a seat cheering like the mad ancient Romans looking for bloodshed. The downside of this life of luxury is the people that lived way too large and find themselves whoring for a buck. Case in point former Philadelphia Phillie favorite investor baboon frittered away millions per the advice of Bernie Madoff and now has to go toe to toe in a pay per view boxing match with another ex major league ball player, Jose "Roid Wonder" Canseco who couldn't sell enough books to cover the airfare to his last fight so he had his twin brother replace him. It's a grim event as these aging athletes have to step into the dimming spotlight once again to in a fight to the death match that will more than likely be called prematurely as insurance agents influence doctors to not give the fans exactly what they want and that is a dead ball player lying gruesomely in his own pool of crimson blood.

Dykstra and Canseco aren't the only lost athletic souls the list goes on from Lawrence Taylor one of the most feared linebackers to ever grace the NFL gridiron to the mustachioed one Rollie Fingers who cannot find a bidder to pay him to shave the mustache and the fertile one Travis Henry who invested in some his earnings in of all things and elephant trunk g-string and malt liquor to open up his "man whore" sole proprietorship when he got dollar signs in his eyes watching Rob Schneider in the fictional movie "Duece Bigalow". Henry is currently rumored to have been filing a lawsuit against movie writers for not revealing the ever so important detail about man whores using of rubbers. The bottom line is Travis can't work enough jobs now to support his child base but there is still hope Travis there is still hope.

Just to become a high paid athlete it takes practice, hard work, contacts, and a mean streak to step on others in your path to success. While the four major sports comprise of less than 400 high paid athletes there are millions of aspiring athletes in the minor leagues, colleges, and the developmental leagues earning pennies on the dollars compared to our athletic heroes. It's a very low probability of success but it's nothing compared to the American Welfare System.

While there are approximately 50 million welfare recipients none of them really has the golden goose and to get to the golden goose one has to really get mean, down and dirty to get those dollars because those checks only get distributed at the Capitol Hill Welfare Office. These annual $174,000 welfare checks come with full benefits and expense accounts and unlike the lower level recipients of welfare who receive food stamps the stamps coming out of the Capitol Hill Welfare office are Wall Street trading stamps full of insider information so our best of the best welfare recipients can re-invest those welfare dollars into 9 figure fortunes. These position do not come without a cost.

The cost are grueling but the rewards are tremendous that is why so many immigrant mothers are trying desperately to have a lot of babies to teach their children that one day they can get to the Capitol Hill Welfare office and cash in. Just like the welfare down at your local offices Capital Hill Welfare recipients need to get paid under the table and in cash for all side jobs. Recently a tall 1/2 white, 1/2 black man living in the big White House on Pennsylvania Ave told the Capitol Hill Welfare recipients "get to work!" but was shut out by these seedy, slithery snake people by taking another vacation which isn't easy. Often while taking time away from the Capitol Hill Welfare line these professional recipients are subjected to countless hours of idle time which can take down the best of them.

Recently Capital Hill long time recipient of 30 years on the public tit Larry Craig from Idaho was caught up "wondering what to do" while on a 28 year vacation decided to experiment with gay bathroom sex in the Minneapolis airport. At Craig's advanced age he had yet to be challenged much in life since he was on the public nipple sucking it dry. How many vacations can a man take? Wall Street investments with insider trading tips no longer excited the elite welfare recipient so what else was there to do. Perhaps seducing another man taking pinching a loaf was just the excitement Larry needed. So Larry went alternative and went for it signaling an undercover cop dumping in the stall next to him with the love sign signaling "man love".

Well Larry's actions were overboard and it was just the type of Hall of Fame move he needed to advance to the final stage of the Capital Hill Welfare System. Since Larry achieved such elite status he has no longer been required to visit Capitol Hill to pick up his welfare check and can now sit at home with more idle time, collecting full pension, benefits and sitting on the board of directors for the National Rifle Association where he continues to do nothing but get paid.

Indeed Larry Craig has lived the dream life as the Idaho State representative for Capitol Hill Welfare, no work, all play, and oodles of idle time. Just remember for every Larry Craig there are approximately 53,000 aspiring welfare recipients that are looking to get those insider trading stamps and Capitol Hill welfare checks that will be sent to Larry til the day he dies for being a vicious scrupleous snake with no goals other than to collect. On the flip side to be an NFL player of the it's less than 1 out of a 100 college players that get to taste the gridiron glory. Hence the message is to aspiring welfare professionals if you want to get to the top and get those Capitol Hill welfare checks and benefits along with insider trading stamps put on your best snake face and be ready to cheat, life, steal, and stab your own mother in the back if you have to because Capitol Hill glory takes more than a lazy ass and a sad face.